We really must take responsibility for our own health and happiness, because no one is going to do it for us. Im good. I am so very sorry to learn of your situation. To fast-track your process, consider joining my online program Course 1 (Foundations) is available now, and Course 2 (Sleep & Medication) will be out soon. A version of this post appeared May 24, 2015. I could sense something was wrong (woman's intuition) and asked him whether there was something he wanted to tell me a couple of days after the party, to which he said no. Despite knowing how much his condition was affecting me and his own life, he didn't respect either of us enough to get the treatment he needed. It had too many disorders and baggage to heal and sort out. For a portion of my younger years my mom was married to my sisters dad who was also physically and emotionally abusive. I had to recognize and accept that I was a worthwhile person who deserved a happier intimate partnership. My reply: youre a software engineer. However well or poorly understood by both partners. Im very suicidal now. Is it starting to sound like Im in denial of abusive behavior? Id love to hear your experiences in ADHD relationships. My husband, who worked at home then, swore he would be a regular Nurse Nightingalethe 62 and 230# version. You are currently caring for your father with dementia; my heart goes out to you there. The feeling then often passes without even needing this, just knowing I can have that if I need it. He doesn't want to leave or break up with his significant other, but he feels a strong impulse to do so. Now, since none of this has happened, Im coming to terms with the fact that none of these behaviours are likely ever to change, and I find myself questioning whether I want to stay in the relationship. Not sure if it is worth mentioning, but my bf does have pretty intense ADHD - I don't even think he realizes just how much his ADHD actually controls him. In the meantime, M and I will continue our work and hopefully model change to J. I was in shock, you idiot. The most obvious sign of this was (and still is) that I am highly clutter-prone. People with BPD may experience rage when they perceive rejection, neglect, or abandonment in a relationship. But now, the bathroom isnt cleaned and while Im trying to work full time and manage our kids, he is laying in bed all day furiously scribbling notes likely about how overbearing I am to discuss with his therapist. 1 Likes, 2 Comments - I love kiki break up with your boyfriend (@the_goat_andrew_murry) on Instagram: "Me and my giirrrllll!! Its BOGUS. But you said something very interesting that Ive not seen anywhere else in an article. Absolutely it does NO ONE any good to be more supportive, have no needs, etc. It doesnt help you, it doesnt help your ADHD partner. he wasnt going to let ANYTHING hurt me that day, especially that cop if I had even SEEN him. Thanks, Rachel. And if I say anything he runs and hides and tells everyone how horrible I am. He has been ADHD since a child that refuses to take any medication got him to go to a counselor for about a year who also suggested he take medication but he wont do it! It takes participants by the hand, step by step, through a solid ADHD education including potential problematic patterns for individuals and couples and treatment strategies. As you can imagine, with my husband also being a scientist, this hits close to home for us. When a couple really enjoys being together but ADHD-related issues are creating mischief. A sigh something like this: He, however, recalls his sigh more like this: My worst fear triggered: He was annoyed that something bad had happened to me that required his help. Especially when I get punished from long history of things I have no hope it will be different. If he had the tools to CUT A HOLE IN THE FLOOR, he had the tools to cover it up or could get them. I lay there marooned for too many hours, him out of shouting distance. The number of charlatans, hustlers, and gurus seeking to exploit this market is shocking. Hi again, Im afraid Im the one more likely to be guilty of that in our house. Happening upon his Change Your Brain, Change Your Life at the local library is how I first learned about Adult ADHD. They need legitimate help, not platitudes. After he got on medication, I asked him to read a book about Borderline Personality Disorder (Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder by Shari Manning). But also, maybe my course would be useful. I could explain my theories as to why, but Ill leave that for another post! Hi MF, She will not begin to consider that her present behavioral modality is ill-suited for solo entrepreneurship. The phenomenon is more complicated, and it bears almost no relation to the parameters that the MD writing about it claimsmuch less the treatments. Which has lead to other communication issues. shopping, etc.). In our case, my husband was reliable on some level. I am 28 and my adhd partner is 26. https://adhdrollercoaster.org/book-club/chapter-12-solving-adhds-double-whammy/, Now, Im NOT saying, With medication, everything will be great!. Thanks for taking the time to write your perspective. Its an off-shoot of my e-mail/web-based discussion group. No, sometimes there are many poor coping responses and bad habits to overcome. Im so scared and lonely. I am struggling right now, and ironically, although I never want to let go of this beautiful kind souled person, I have no choice BUT if this hadnt happened, I know I never would have opened my eyes. I get the engineering-hard-facts profile. I find it hard to believe there is an positive prognosis in most relationships with ADHD and i think most people dislike being alone more than they dislike being in a terrible relationships. And from the beginning of my exploration of ADHD, this feels more and more like a Big One on the Richter Scale. For more information: Solving Your Adult ADHD Puzzle. This is NOT to give you hope, but for you to understand that just because he has ADHD . Whee! That can be my swan song, so that my conscience can be clear moving forward. . If not for her or your sake for her sons. I get it. Im hard to please. Maybe counseling would help. It doesnt make sense to me. This could lead to ending the relationship in the heat of the moment. Impose The Three-Day Waiting Period. This is not offered as a criticism so much as a statement of fact. All this time I thought it was just me and my unreasonable fear after seeing my spouse react with little empathy to his very ill mother. This was a very long comment to thank you for your work on this site and to all of the commenters also. Id felt lost and abandoned. Given the space. But I am fairly sure youd have had answers sooner. Eventually I was able to get my husband to agree to some office-grade carpet for the living room, which I had tried to claim as mine but um yeah And that was just laid down like a rug lol That was the second house in a row that needed some work and said work got done when we moved out so when we bought the yard for the dog, I insisted we NOT DO THAT AGAIN. Im still not entirely sure, but I will learn more especially now that Ive found your page and have some confidence that Im not the only person facing these challenges and that they truly are hard and its not just me being over sensitive. They are unthinking, brainwashed, and believe they can know how to treat ADHD by reading a flawed meta-analysis. Extreme ADHD can suck the life out of everyone in the vicinity, including the person who has it. But most importantly, I couldnt put my finger on what was wrong with the relationship I began thinking she was losing interest and getting extremely rejection sensitive to perceived rejection when there was no problem at allinventing reasons for guilt. I have accomplished things in my life in spite of the sabotage and chaos from his mind, actions and inaction, but I feel I have wasted at least half of my adult life dealing with his dysfunctional issues. We deserve happiness, too. He never checks on me. I am in the same position as you. This makes me hurt which within moments makes me angry. Also: Read my book. As if in a trance. I woke from a nap feeling like death, and hadnt been able to keep any medicine or much water down. Prior to this Id always bought into the idea that relationships were either peaceful and boring, or passionate and riddled with drama (I certainly have my own issues, formerly diagnosed BPD but was no longer fitting the criteria after years of hard work prior to meeting him). But he has no inkling to self educate himself on adhd. No diagnosis, no meds, tried couples therapy and hes the victim. Goat (my husbands nickname) accompanied me to the appointment. Ive tackled this topic for years, in my writing and in my presentations to the public and clinicians, from San Francisco to Turkey. Most people have had a SO break up with them because something about the person was unbearable to that particular SO. I expressed this, that I couldnt believe he didnt come straight to me. Im wonderingis it possible he has ADHD, too? This fear has a basis in reality. If youre in the UK, Adderall XR (not IR) is an option, as is Vyvanse, Dexedrine, and several methylphenidate products unique to the UK. With that memory in mind, I mentally stepped back and gave him a minute or so to transitionnot to mention finish whatever he was doing in the bathroom. They might have poor insight to their challenges, also called denial.. It is easy blather from charlatans using SEO terms to improve their clickbait and make more money from Google ads! Shes the self-sufficient type. Or, worse, he heard it and didnt want to interrupt his work. Last I checked, there was ONE masters-degree program in mental health that covered ADHD. Good question. I watched him nurse his sick pets, and Ive seen him be a damn good shoulder to friends & family in need. So, SHE did the cleaning up, while I went along happily making messes, unaware that my behaviors eventually generated serious resentment. I tried to talk to ADHD boyfriend candidly, and I think he truly believed that he was being candid with me. 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